Freaked Out

I should be sleep at this hour, but obviously I'm not. I can't. I probably will be a bit grouchy tomorrow as I have to get up early. Another funeral for another cousin. Wow, come to think of it this is how last January started - a funeral for a cousin. A majority of my being doesn't want to go. I'm realizing that as I get older I don't like funerals too much. But I know I must. There is a small portion of me curious and excited enough to see a few of my cousins (that are or around my age) I haven't see since we were kids... literally, especially Kelly. Kelly is my age. We basically grew up together. Somewhere along the line we weren't growing together anymore due to her many hospitalizations. She suffered with tumors for much of her childhood. I believe it was leukemia. I would always get updates on her, especially during our teenage years. For a time she moved to California to live with her aunts from her mother side of the family. She eventually came back to the DC area, living a well life even though a small reminder of her childhood illness lingers, her lips. I would love to see her. I would love for her to see the Snickerdoodle. I actually miss my cousin. 

Speaking of the Snickerdoodle, I love her dearly but today I felt a bit tested. My patience. Today, or yesterday rather, was a long day. Initially I wanted to join my parents as they went to the convention center to support YA. Newly elected and re-elected council members were sworn in today, as well as other elected officials in various DC government and neighborhood positions. Instead I had to be on "grandma duty." She had a much needed eye doctor appointment and of course I made sure she kept it. What I didn't expect was sitting in the doctors office for four to five hours.  With the Snickerdoodle in tow, naturally she became restless and even wanted to run around and play in the office. I had to keep her in check, which wasn't an easy task.

She grew weary of the supply of animal cookies, milk and juice I had in my bag. The biggest meal she had was breakfast before we left home and by the time 4:30 came around I knew she was ready for some REAL FOOD. She whined, TRIED to through a fit and was just doing all the fidgety movements toddlers do when they are restless. I kept it together until we finally made it back home close to six o'clock. I figured she was hungry so I fixed her a bowl of the black eyed peas we had for New Years dinner (a traditional good luck dish for New Years). At first she was refusing to eat, even tried to turn the bowl over on the table. Myself had been starving. I hadn't eaten the entire day. I was headachy, frustrated, tired....spent. I almost burst into tears on the spot.

I fixed me a bowl of rice and black eyed peas. Left the Snickerdoodle in her high chair. Found me a quiet corner and ate.  I got back up, poured what she didn't eat into my bowl and began to eat some her share. I went in for another spoonful and placed it towards her mouth. FINALLY she ate!

I was calm....until.....

Later this evening I began to think about school. Classes literally start this week coming up! Am I really ready this time? Suddenly I felt panicked... a bit freaked out. I'm not really surprised by this actually. It's almost as if I'm waiting for the bottom to drop... again. I'm freaked that I may be consumed with the feeling of being overwhelmed again. I'm freaked that the federal loan may not cover everything and I'm not sure how much I'm expected to "contribute" to my tuition. I'm freaked because in the midst of this renovation mess I don't know which box has all my important documents, especially the folder I kept for school that has a listing of all the classes I've taken thus far and how many credits I really have left. I know.. I'm seeing the advisor on Monday, but still... I haven't registered my classes yet!!!

I actually had an interesting dream last night. My mom and I were talking about money. She was telling me that I should take X amount of money to pay off some of my "little" bills, but I was a bit upset because I had no money. I was telling her there wasn't any money in my account to pay for anything. She kept pushing me to pay bills and I was telling her I had no money. After about the fourth time of telling her I had no money, she looked at me kind of strange and calmly said "oh."

Then I woke up.

I'm not sure what that was about. Immediately I thought it had something to do with my conversation with cousin T yesterday in reference to the mortgage payments of the condo(s). Part of her reasoning for believing I should have followed through with things was because a number of the units still aren't ready and (of course) mortgage payments don't start until you actually move in. Then I left that thought and began to think about school and began to worry how many books would I have to purchase this semester.

Maybe a financial blessing is coming my way, but I'm too blind right now to see it.. feel it... believe it. I'm trying to regain my optimistic self. I miss that person. Yet my reality seems to only want to show me what's real in the here and now.

Right now.. my reality is... it's after 1 am. I need sleep.