The Scheme Of Things

I'm officially a senior.

I spoke with my adviser yesterday. We went over what's left of my curriculum. Essentially it's two semesters worth of classwork and an internship. I can still finish by December, providing I do the internship in the summer. It doesn't sound bad at all. I feel a little of everything right now. Relief that I finally see a chapter of my life coming to a close soon. Anxiety that I want to get it over with here and now. Nervous that the federal loan may not be enough. Happy that I'm back on campus and though everything looks and feels familiar, there are some things that are foreign.

What has me "blown" a bit is the fact that if I do become and official graduate in December, there is no ceremony. I would have to return May 2010 if I want to walk. I kind of expected such. Even sort of went back and forth about it once before when I thought I would be a December 2005 graduate. Since I started college, my mother has wanted nothing more than to fulfill one of the long tradition that all Howard parents of hopeful graduates have. Sitting on the quad lawn in the mild to hot spring Saturday before Mother's Day in May. Me graduating college has been my mother's ultimate wish for a gift for Mother's Day.  Yet in all my exhaustion all I wanted to do was take my last of final exams and have my degree mailed to me.  Now I find myself revisiting that idea. After seven years of ups and downs in and out of school I think I do want to wear the Howard blue robe and once the school of communications is called I want the person standing next to me to flip my hood and I do the same for the fellow graduate standing on the other side of me.  I want to be a part of the event that solidifies the alumni Bison pride.  

I have a feeling that some of my friends have been turning their nose at me as I haven't been keeping in touch like usual. I just need this time and space, not to be completely asocial, but ample space to allow me to finish unfinished duties. In the same breath I've been back and forth about something. Not necessarily correcting a wrong, but to have my say. I still feel as if I have more cleansing to do. In a way I'm reminded of a guy I met a few years ago.

Back when I worked for Mr. Yellow and his magazine, it wasn't common to have meetings out of the office. Actually, the one thing I love and miss about that job was the fact that I spent more time out of the office attending business meetings and conducting interviews. The only time I was behind the desk was during crunch time or handling some odd business for the other part of my job which was to be the copy writer/editor for the (communications) firm. Needless to say, one June evening May, the other female working on the magazine with me as the advertising person, and I decided to do a meeting during happy hour at Juste (pronounced "joost" The owner is Ethiopian.) Lounge in Bethesda, Maryland. It was a place that both May and I frequented. She went because she knew the owner. I would go to catch a set of jazz musician Marcus Johnson.

After a few round of martinis and a somewhat business minded discussion, we were approached by two men who were sitting at the bar near us. After exchanges we learned they were buddies who worked together in a federal government agency. One in particular, Mr. Gemini, was interested in getting to know me a bit better. Afer a few more rounds I learned that obviously he was a Gemini, he was in his late 30's, what agency he worked for and what he did within and that he lived nearby. Dont' remember what else we talked about, but I do remember we stayed on the dance floor for much of the evening as the DJ spinned old and new school tunes and even some slow jams.

Honestly I don't remember what he looked like. I just know he only a smidge taller than me because during the one slow jam I was able to rest my head on his shoulder. Oddly, I never took his number. Maybe it was a little arrogance in me, or maybe cause I was still trying to work the Snickerdoodle's father out of my system at the time, I handed Mr. Gemini one of my business cards and on the back I wrote my cell number.  He called a few times after that night. We never got to the point of making plans to meet up again. It seems that even in the midst of having conversations with Mr. Gemini, everything happened pretty fast towards the end of that year... the stress level and tension rose between Mr. Yellow and me, I became pregnant late that summer and didn't know until the fall and I eventually resigned from the firm/magazine.

The following year, a few months after having the Snickerdoodle, a June night. Mr. Gemini called me out of the blue. I hadn't talked to him since that previous summer. Frankly I had just about forgotten him. Apparently he was standing outside of the Juste Lounge. He had been thinking about me, but not without reason. We talked long enough to update each other. I was a new mom. He had quit his federal job to take on his side "hustle" full time, a promotions company. The night he called was his and his partner's relaunch night for the promotions group with a sponsored event at Juste Lounge. He was calling to see if I wouldn't mind coming out to support him and for us to hopefully pick up where we left off... whatever and whereever that was.

Needless to say I turned down the invitation explaining things were different as I was a mom and I couldn't jump up and roll out at the drop of a hat like I use to. He understood and made me promise that we would keep in touch. I never called back. However, a couple months later, he did. This time his call was a bit more urgent. He needed an listening ear.

At the time of his call I was away in Myrtle Beach for my cousin's wedding. Actually his call came through during the night of the wedding. A time when all of my cousins around my age, and some older, took to the beach after the reception and had our own party. I could tell something was wrong, because his tone was sullen. I don't remember all that he said, I just remember a few key things. One in particular was the reason why he was calling. He had just had a disagreement with an ex and I'm guessing the ex told him a few things about himself that he didn't recognize or didn't want to be true.  From his tone I could tell that the person was a bit harsh. Basically his call was to say that if he was any of the negative traits as told or shown to him then he apologizes. It was almost like a scene from NBC's My Name Is Earl, where the title character makes his rounds to people he did wrong in the past and hopes to make those wrongs right.

I appreciated Mr. Gemini's call, even though I hadn't known him long enough to pick up on negative traits. I'm sure I talked to him a bit more about it, but not long since I was in the midst of company. Still in thinking about this gesture I get a sense that I may want to do my own "My Name Is Earl" kind of thing. If I do, it would be a big step, at least outside of my pride. I feel like I'm ready to do it, if not for anything else, just for the (hopefully) last of the cleansing process.

I knew these days were coming. My dreams of swimming warned me. All I can do is continue to swim.